Real Stories
In this section you can read real stories from our visitors who shared their concerns with us. By reading our case studies you will be able to better understand how AskYourCounsellor can help you. AskΥourCounsellor, guides and advises its visitors on how to successfully manage stressful events.
In order to safeguard the privacy of our visitors we have changed personal information such as name, age, children’s age and any other information that could expose them.
Real Story, John (37): Concern of Self-Esteem
John is 37 yearsl old married man, who has recently become a father. He writes to AskYourCounsellor, describing that he feels his self-esteem has been gradually regressing ever since he was married. He claims that he can’t find reasons to enjoy life with his wife due to feelings of not ”being good enough” as a husband. is new role, as a father, is not giving him the happiness he thought it would give him. He, repeatedly, mentions that his parents-in-law never accepted him, that his wife has a strong relationship with her parents and that they always criticize him and his wife reaction is very passive. Since he met her he is trying very hard to prove to them and to his wife that he is the best choice she could ever make but he still feels inadeqaute.
The AskYourCounsellor team, Answers:
Dear John, Thank you for sharing your concerns with us.
You are emphasizing a feeling of inadequency towards your wife and your life as a married man which seems to have its roots in you constantly trying to have the approval of your parents-in-law.
Explaining Irrational Beliefs:
Due to certain learning experiences in our lives, we come to accept certain beliefs about ourselves and others. These beliefs may be inappropriate for us if they don’t allow us to realise happiness or acceptance of the disappointments in life. Our beliefs are reinforced by particular thoughts that we should behave in certain ways. If our thoughts and behaviours are more concerned with the welfare of others, rather than ourselves, this can lead to lowered self-esteem and further self-condemnation. The task that all of us face at sometime, is to realise that some of our thoughts and behaviours are not healthy and to replace these with more self-appreciating thoughts and behaviours.
Dear John, AskYourCounsellor is here to help you understand that you have control over your own beliefs and therefore, control over your behaviour and a chance to improve your self-esteem.
AskYourCounsellor, suggests to you,to identify the irrational beliefs that are controlling your life. Some of the irrational beliefs might be:
- “I must have the respect of my parents-in-law”.
- ”I accept that my parents-in-law might never accept me”.
As next step you could start trying to construct new beliefs, such as:
1. Instead of thinking that “I must have the respect of my in-laws, AskYourCounsellor, encourages you to rephrase this as a preference, “I would like to have the respect of my in-laws.”
2. “It is my duty to be respectful of my wife’s family, though not to the point of sacrificing my happiness”.
After identifying your irrational thoughts, and after trying to re-construct new ones, AskYourCounsellor, advises you to list behaviours that could increase your personal happiness:
- Address any demands from parents-in-law as requests and notify them that the matter will be discussed between you and your wife.
2. Redefine boundaries between couple issues and family issues. For example, discuss with your wife the amount of time that should be spent with various family members.
3. Expect parents to be more respectful of you and do not tolerate criticism.
4. Determine the consequences if this behaviour is not forthcoming, i.e. politely leaving, hanging up the phone or ending conversations if no respect is shown to you.
Unfortunately, we do not always act in ways that help us to achieve our goals. That is why in order to help you and guide you we would like to suggest to you to use the worksheet which we have attached. It is a worksheet called ”REBT Consequences Analysis Form”. The ”REBT Consequences Analysis Form” can be used to challenge and restructure irrational thoughts. You are encouraged to identify a target issue or problem, and to identify associated life goals / values. The form then guides you to identify the consequences of a behaviour and then encourages you to formulate the best long-term solution to your difficulty. According to the REBT ( Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy) theory, people are happier when they establish important goals and life goals and are actively trying to achieve them.” (Ellis & Dryden, 1997).
AskYourCounsellor, wants to remind you that the presence of irrational and self-defeating beliefs have an impact on your opportunity for personal happiness and self-confidence. AskYourCounsellor, is by your side to support you in becoming more aware of the presence of self-defeating beliefs in your life and to energetically help you replace these beliefs with more personally satisfying thoughts.
Dear John, thank you for contacting the AskYourCounsellor team. If you feel you need further support with your current situation, please do not hesitate to contact us.
Best Wishes,
Your AskYourCounsellor Team.
Real Story, Sarah: Concerns of Unmanageable Anger
Sarah, wrote to AskYourCounsellor stating that she is experiencing intense anger, and was not coping with her life. She complained of failed relationships with her ex-husband, and with another man whom she left her husband to be with. Sarah, feels that she cannot move on from the anger she feels about her failed relationships and her children having a good relationship with their father and his new partner.
She describes her ex-husband as manipulative and verbally abusive. She felt that he was not supportive of the needs or her career.She, also, mentions feeling isolated from her family and friends. Sarah, also describes her disappointment of her failing in her work life due to her unmanageable anger.
The AskYourCounsellor team, Answers:
Dear Sarah, Thank you for sharing your concerns with us.
From what you have described it seems that a sense of anger related to your ex-husband, to your past relationship and to your children having a good relationship with their father and his new partner seems to be the root of your current unpleasant feelings.
Accepting Your Feelings:
Dear Sarah, it is very important to accept our feelings in order to let go. Intense anger is one of the feelings that prevail after a divorce and especially when the other part has moved on. Feeling that your children might be close to your ex-husband’s new partner might , also, hurt you and make you angry towards them but this is also part of the process of learning how to let go.
All feelings come with action urges that tell us to act in certain ways. Sometimes, we use negative coping skills to escape painful emotions, because it feels like it’s the easiest way or the only way to cope. For example, when we feel fearful, we often feel the urge to avoid or escape a situation. When angry, we quickly become defensive or lash out. When sad or depressed, we tend to withdraw, isolate, and become passive. With shame and guilt, we typically hide, avoid, or beg for forgiveness from others.
Dear Sarah, have you ever considered doing the opposite of your usual response to your emotions? According to Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT), the opposite action skill is a deliberate attempt to act opposite of your emotion urge. If your emotions are doing more harm than good, try acting opposite. Find the opposite action to our common emotion urges below. It’s important to know that this skill is not about trying to suppress our emotions. We are using a negative feeling to take a different action. The result of this will be a gradual change in our emotions. The kinds of situations in which it is appropriate to use this technique are ones in which the emotions might not be realistic to the situation we are in, maybe out of proportion, or escalating, or be emotions that we want to challenge or change.
For example, if we are feeling very depressed and low and like no one wants us around and we might as well just stay in bed, a way to act opposite to the emotions is to get ourselves up and do something (go for a walk, go to the grocery store, visit a friend, go to therapy, etc.). We are not denying our emotion, but we are challenging it by acting opposite to it. Instead of staying at home in bed, we are getting up and going out. We may not see big changes, but little by little we will notice changes in the way we feel.
Anger: If you are angry, try to walk away from the situation or the person that you’re angry with. This means avoiding someone who you’re frustrated with if you feel the urge to attack them. Also consider deep breathing exercises to calm down. Try to have sympathy or empathy for the other person – find the “nugget of truth” that you are able to focus on in order to feel even a small amount of sympathy. By walking away from a situation when we are angry, or distracting ourselves with something nice, then we have put our energy into something that is eventually going to make us feel better.
Guilt: If your guilt fits the facts—experience the guilt. Ask, but don’t beg for forgiveness and accept the consequences. Try to repair the transgression and work to make sure it doesn’t happen again. If your guilt does not fit the facts, then don’t apologize or try to make up for it. Instead, change your body posture, walk tall and maintain eye contact, with a steady and clear voice.
In addition, we advise you in order to get closer to your feelings, to follow all the steps in the following exercise called, “Forgiveness”. The act of forgiveness helps us to let things go, the process of forgiveness helps us to let go of bad situations that keep us “prisoners.” Forgiving doesn’t mean that we forget or justify the person who disappointed or hurt us. One can forgive someone and continue to believe that their acts were unacceptable and unjustified.Forgiveness is not an act that we address to the person who hurt our feelings, forgiveness is an act of internal, with ourselves.
AskYourCounsellor, wants to remind you that the presence of well-managed anger can be a useful emotion that motivates you to make positive changes. On the other hand, anger is a powerful emotion and if it isn’t handled appropriately, it may have destructive results for you and those closest to you. Our team, is by your side to support you to further develop anger management skills, to advice you on techniques, which could help you with negative thoughts and anger and our team is here to help you to replace negative beliefs with more personally satisfying thoughts.
Dear Sarah, thank you for sharing your concerns with the AskYourCounsellor team. If you feel you need further support with your current situation, please do not hesitate to contact us.
Best Wishes,
Your AskYourCounsellor Team.
Real Story, Martin (45) : Stressfull Life Change
Martin (45), is married and a father of two boys, he contacted AskYourCounsellor’‘, describing his stress with his wife and his eldest son who some times don’t attend school and has been accused for shop lifting. Martin, states that he has recently decided to sell his business because he feels he can’t compete the big companies anymore and his dream of expanding his own brand will never come true. He decided to contact people in order to sell his business without telling his wife. Martin, expresses his stress about his business, his wife wanting a divorce and his son being caught shop lifting.
AskYourCounsellor:
Dear Martin, thank you for contacting the AskYourCounsellor team.
From your description, we understand your intense stress due to life changing events. It seems like due to stress the communication between you and your wife has declined. Your child’s behaviour is, also, of serious concern and it reflects a cry out for help from his side.
Assertive Communication Skills:
Being assertive is a core communication skill. Being assertive means that you express yourself effectively and stand up for your point of view, while also respecting the rights and beliefs of others. It is therefore crucial within a romantic relationship, both to maintain your sense of your own identity, and also for the relationship to thrive and be healthy.
Traits of Assertive Communicators:
- Clearly State Needs and Wants
- Eye Contact
- Listen to others without Interruption
- Appropriate Speaking Volume
- Steady Tone of Voice
- Confident Body Language
Example of Assertive Communication:
Dear Martin, in your case in order to be assertive you need to talk openly to your wife about the situation of your business to your wife and about your feeling of disappointment of not being able to fulfill your dream of expanding the business.
An example of Assertive Communication in your case could be the following:
” I feel extremely frustrated because my business profit is decreasing and I am totally disappointed in not being able to fulfil my dream of business expansion. I understand you feeling , also, frustrated and angry because of my odd behaviour and about me not talking to you prior my decision of selling the business, but I need help. How can we make it work?”
Dear Martin, although we share the concern of not being able to communicate important things to your wife it is crucial, the AskYourCounsellor,team would like to draw your attention to the fact that your older son has been caught shoplifting.
Although kids have learned that theft is wrong, older children or teenagers steal for many reasons. A youngster may steal to make things equal if a brother or sister seems to be favoured with affection or gifts. Sometimes, a child may steal as a show of bravery to friends or to be more accepted by peers.
Parents should, also, consider whether the child has stolen out of a need for more attention. In these cases, the child may be expressing anger or trying to “get even” with his or her parents. The stolen object may become a substitute for love or affection. The parents should make an effort to give more recognition to the child as an important family member.
According to the American Academy of Child and Adolescent psychiatry (2014) when parents find out their child has stolen, they:
- tell the child that stealing is wrong
- help the youngster to pay for or return the stolen object
- make sure that the child does not benefit from the theft in any way
- avoid lecturing, predicting future bad behavior, or saying that they now consider the child to be a thief or a bad person
- make clear that this behavior is totally unacceptable within the family tradition and the community
If stealing continues or is present in a child with other problem behaviors or symptoms, the stealing may be a sign of more serious problems in the child’s emotional development or problems in the family. These children would benefit from an evaluation by a mental health provider.
AskYourCounsellor, wants to remind you that usually connection problems occur due to distressed and unhappy relationships and communication in love relationships is a function of emotional connection. AskYourCounsellor, is by your side to support you not only in enhancing your communication skills but to also give you advises on how to emotionally reconnect with your wife in order to fully enjoy again your marital life.
Dear Martin, thank you for sharing your concerns with the AskYourCounsellor team. If you feel you need further support with your current situation, please do not hesitate to contact us.
Best Wishes,
Your AskYourCounsellor Team
